What Missionaries Ought to Know About Aging Parents, by Ron Kotesky
This is an excerpt from Ron’s brochure. If you’d like to see the entire brochure, click here.
As you move toward middle age and your children become adolescents, you may find yourself as part of the “sandwich generation,” sandwiched between your parents and your offspring. Although your culture holds you legally responsible for your offspring, it may not hold you legally responsible for your parents. However, you feel some responsibility for your parents. After all, they cared for you as a child, and it seems reasonable that, in return, you care for them when they need you. In addition, the Bible commands us to honor our parents.
People who do not cross cultures and travel to another continent face this same issue, but they are not as far away from parents as you are. They are also much more likely to be personally involved. Although some people have always face the question of determining their responsibility for their aging parents, only in the last century has the majority done so. Not only do more people face this issue, but it also remains an issue for a much longer period of time as life spans increase. Newly retired people commonly have responsibilities for parents who are in their 80s and 90s.
Although there are no easy answers to the questions arising about aging parents, knowing what to expect can help you give some forethought to what you might do. Following are some of the usual phases people move through as they age in western culture. Some people pass through all these phases with years spent in each; others may skip many of them due to accident or sudden serious illness. We could list six possible phases. I will only list the details of 3 of the phases.
- Enjoying Freedom
- Beginning Reflection
- Losing a Spouse
- Reversing Roles
- Becoming Dependent
- Saying Goodbye
Beginning Reflection:
Sometimes this phase comes suddenly, such as with a serious illness or financial loss. However, it more often occurs internally, with no one else even being aware of it, such as when people realize that they really aren’t the men or women they used to be. It may occur when a close friend or a sibling dies so that people face their own mortality in more personal ways. During this phase even very successful people may begin to think that their lives have been worthless, and they may become depressed. Just when they most need to talk about it with others, they may begin to withdraw. Unfortunately, many parents and children have never engaged in serious conversation. If you have not done it before, this is a good time to begin talking about important questions and issues in life. You can be of real help to your parents in opening up these areas by:
· Visiting with them.
· Bringing news about others.
· Asking tactful questions.
· Encourage life review by:
· Asking for autobiography.
· Asking about old photographs.
· Having them draw pictures of places where they have lived
· Asking about their spiritual journey
Reversing Roles:
If the surviving parent does not die suddenly, the day will probably come when you go to visit, and he or she will have a list of things for you to do. You switch from being the one being helped to the one giving the help—and your parent switches to the one receiving the help, often very difficult to do. Both of you want the aging one to be as independent as possible and make as many decisions as possible. As you increasingly become the caregiver, it is good to repeatedly ask yourself several questions.
· How much should I do?
· How much can I say?
· Am I doing any good?
· What about my spouse and children?
In the three phases previously considered, there was always something you could do with the hope that things would get better. As your roles reverse, more and more you realize that things are not going to get better. They only get worse. One thing to remember is that no matter how you answer the questions above as things get worse, you are likely to feel guilty, even though you are not guilty of anything. If you are in your passport country caring for your parent, you are likely to feel guilty. If you are overseas, you are as likely to feel guilty. Probably the most important thing you can do during this phase is to help your parent answer such questions as these:
· What good am I?
· How can my life have any meaning?
As you do this, remember that our society has no good answer to these questions. These questions have answers only in a thoroughly Christian world-view. Our modern problem-solving approach to life comes up short, but meaning is found in God and his love for us as persons he made in his image.
Questions:
- For those of you who can place your parents into any of these categories, what have been the most difficult challenges for you?
- What has made you the most sad or the most relieved in the process?
- What are some of the ways you’ve dealt with these issues?
Posted by Henry:
Serving and ministering to Senior Adults is an issue close to my heart - whether they are your parents, or other Seniors who God has chosen to place in your journey with Him.
I have been working professionally within the Senior Adult Housing Industry for the past ten years or so - - - with major responsibilities in providing support and counseling with the adult children of our residents.
Even though this is a very emotional and difficult time (that of reversing roles), it can also be a very rich and rewarding time in developing a deeper and more intimate relationship with your aging parent/s.
I have found two keys that need to be re-focused again & again -
1> Slow down your pace to match theirs - in doing so you will begin to discover new and deeper elements to who your parents are than you have ever noticed before. In this new time of “dependence” on you as a provider for them - they will open wide the shades on the windows of their souls that they have “protected” you from all of your life. Dare to ask the tough questions; and dare to respond in all honesty and transparency when they ask you the tough questions.
2> Encourage your parent/s to find some cause or person to commit scheduled quality time in their life to. This needs to be more than just a hobby (such as the quilters circle or woodworking) this needs to be something that will produce a sense of worth and fulfillment as a result. God has wired us all with a need to feel needed and productive during our entire life time. The elderly who give up all hope and purpose become the ones who literally lay down in solitude and die.
Well, as I said this is a close subject to my heart - - - and I could go on and on. My Father is no longer living - but my mother is, and at age 75 is pastoring a small church in a rural community.
She has really illustrated key #2 above . . . as she pretty much shut down after Dad’s passing, stayed home alone with her dogs and read or watched TV all day. Her mind and reasoning skills quickly deteriorated and she withdrew into herself a little more each week. (Living in the past) However, it only took a couple of weeks of serving with a purpose for her previous zest for life and love of socializing with others to return. (Living in the present)
Help and encourage your parents to find, develop and maintain a passion for life - - - maybe by serving with Alternative Missions - - - whatever and wherever - - - there is nothing that lengthens the joy of living more than serving Christ in a productive, fulfilling circumstance.
Somebody pass the offering plate and I will shut up!!!!
- Henry
Posted by Amber:
This is a great topic of conversation! Thanks for bringing it up, TJ! My whole family has been in this process for the past four years with my grandmother. She was living with my parents for a couple of years and then moved to Minnesota to live with my aunt. She is much happier there, and I believe it’s because my aunt goes out of her way to make sure that my grandma still feels like she’s alive, that she still can have a life despite her mobility problems or special needs, etc. It really does make a difference! Not that my parents didn’t want her to have a life, but they simply weren’t able to give her the attention and flexibility that she needed. I love the point that Henry made about how we are all designed with this inner desire to fee productive and needed. It’s so true, and I truly believe that’s made the difference for my grandmother. I passed this article on to my parents and my aunt in hopes that it will encourage them and help them help her to have an even more meaningful life as much as it is in their power to! Thanks, TJ!!
Posted by Sheila:
Boy, if you could have brought up any topic at all in the world that I am in the middle of, this one is it. I am definitely at #5 becoming dependent with my 86 year old mom. The article is excellent, TJ, and I want to read the entire thing. I deal with the guilt mentioned every day, no kidding, every day. I know that God has placed us here and I am very content and even excited to be involved in my life here in Helene. I absolutely love teaching here in the English School. But my heart is torn so much of the time to help my sister with our mother who has Alzheimer’s. It was only diagnosed about 1 year before we left the states and she is under an excellent gerontologist. She has been in assisted living for two years and that is my greatest relief. It is an issue that I constantly stay in prayer about, not just for my mother’s condition, but for how to cope and deal with my only sibling. I bring myself back to the fact that God is in control and then I try to do damage control myself when I get an opportunity to go to where they are. There is lots more I want to say and read about this topic. When I first saw the topic introduced in my email, I couldn’t even go right to it because of the emotions that swelled up. Thank you, TJ, for your insight. More later, as Larry has already reminded me that we have devos in three minutes.
Sheila, I don’t know if it was thoughtful or unthoughtful of me to post this subject in light of your current circumstances. Thank you for your honesty in noting the tension you feel between the joy of obeying the Lord and the pain of the ways it strains your family ties. It seems that this tension always exists in some fashion in our lives, but when it affects our families, it’s very difficult.
Henry, those were some great insights in learning to relate differently with our aging parents. If you have more counsel, please post it in the Let’s Talk discussion string. I’m sure we’d all love to learn from you.
Well, I don’t have a lot of time today. But being close to this situation with my own parents and my in laws and in the middle of it with my Grandmother, I have just one major suggestion.
You can NEVER ask too many questions.
Seriously. I am a nurse and I still forget to ask the right or enough questions at times. Often times people do not ask health care providers, Assisted Living directors, social workers etc. enough questions. There may be 100 reasons for this, being intimidated by doctors, not wanting to bother people, not knowing what to ask or sound dumb….but just like making any decision or managing a situation…you must have the facts…as well as bathing the situation in prayer.
Well, that is it.
It is a blessing to have parents and grandparents living longer these days but figuring out how to balance caring for them (without taking away their independence) with juggling a career, marriage, kids, committees, church, friends, etc.—leaves many Christians in the “Sandwich Generation” feeling stressed and looking for solutions.
Kicking off “Sandwich Generation Month,” the results of a new Harris Poll commissioned by Presto Services Inc. and Christian Companion Senior Care show that of the 20 million U.S. “Sandwichers”—those struggling with the responsibilities of caring for their children and their aging parents:
• 53% feel forced to choose between neglecting either their parents’ needs or their kids’ needs at least once each week
• 20% of Sandwichers make this stressful decision every day
• 40% believe their parents did a better job of balancing multi-generational caregiving than they do.
With a Scriptural mandate to honor their parents, Christian Sandwichers are searching for faith-friendly solutions that allow them to meet their responsibilities—while still living in peace! They are turning to solutions like these:
• Presto couples an HP Printing Mailbox and Presto Mail service to allow family members to send email messages, encouraging Scripture, family photos, prayer requests and notes of encouragement as well as daily reminders, medical instructions and more to seniors who aren’t online.
• Christian Companion Senior Care is the first organization to offer practical in-home assistance and spiritual encouragement, making it possible for seniors to remain in their own homes and live independently.
Consider asking your blog readers what their churches are doing to help Sandwichers cope. Also, consider asking what else would help them manage multi-generational caregiving responsibilities – a) flex hours at work, b) an understanding spouse, c) help from an outside source, d) technology advances.
I am reminded of God’s promise for those who honor their parents. In Ephesians 6:2, Paul called the command to honor one’s parents “the first commandment with a promise”
What is that promise? “…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (verse 3)
Aside from when we are still in our parents’ house as children, I can think of no more important time to honor our parents than when they begin to lose their independence because of declining mental or physical health. When a person loses their abilities is when they feel least worthy of honor. It can be embarrassing for them to be in a position of need.
My generation is the first to have been raised in day care. Between the increase in single parent families, and the perceived need of “whole” families to have two incomes, kids ended up in day care. I can only hope that my generation won’t return the favor by ignoring their parents and sticking them in “senior day care,” where they will be out of sight and out of mind. This is not honoring to them.
Granted, not everyone, especially those on the mission field, can take an aging parent into the household. But consider God’s promise to add years to your life if you honor our parents. We tend to think of the command to honor our parents in the context of obedience in the childhood years. However, could it be that God wants to add to your life the number of years you spent honoring and serving your parents in their old age, perhaps when your lifestyle was “cramped”?