What Missionaries Ought to Know About Aging Parents, by Ron Kotesky
This is an excerpt from Ron’s brochure. If you’d like to see the entire brochure, click here.
As you move toward middle age and your children become adolescents, you may find yourself as part of the “sandwich generation,” sandwiched between your parents and your offspring. Although your culture holds you legally responsible for your offspring, it may not hold you legally responsible for your parents. However, you feel some responsibility for your parents. After all, they cared for you as a child, and it seems reasonable that, in return, you care for them when they need you. In addition, the Bible commands us to honor our parents.
People who do not cross cultures and travel to another continent face this same issue, but they are not as far away from parents as you are. They are also much more likely to be personally involved. Although some people have always face the question of determining their responsibility for their aging parents, only in the last century has the majority done so. Not only do more people face this issue, but it also remains an issue for a much longer period of time as life spans increase. Newly retired people commonly have responsibilities for parents who are in their 80s and 90s.
Although there are no easy answers to the questions arising about aging parents, knowing what to expect can help you give some forethought to what you might do. Following are some of the usual phases people move through as they age in western culture. Some people pass through all these phases with years spent in each; others may skip many of them due to accident or sudden serious illness. We could list six possible phases. I will only list the details of 3 of the phases.
- Enjoying Freedom
- Beginning Reflection
- Losing a Spouse
- Reversing Roles
- Becoming Dependent
- Saying Goodbye
Beginning Reflection:
Sometimes this phase comes suddenly, such as with a serious illness or financial loss. However, it more often occurs internally, with no one else even being aware of it, such as when people realize that they really aren’t the men or women they used to be. It may occur when a close friend or a sibling dies so that people face their own mortality in more personal ways. During this phase even very successful people may begin to think that their lives have been worthless, and they may become depressed. Just when they most need to talk about it with others, they may begin to withdraw. Unfortunately, many parents and children have never engaged in serious conversation. If you have not done it before, this is a good time to begin talking about important questions and issues in life. You can be of real help to your parents in opening up these areas by:
· Visiting with them.
· Bringing news about others.
· Asking tactful questions.
· Encourage life review by:
· Asking for autobiography.
· Asking about old photographs.
· Having them draw pictures of places where they have lived
· Asking about their spiritual journey
Reversing Roles:
If the surviving parent does not die suddenly, the day will probably come when you go to visit, and he or she will have a list of things for you to do. You switch from being the one being helped to the one giving the help—and your parent switches to the one receiving the help, often very difficult to do. Both of you want the aging one to be as independent as possible and make as many decisions as possible. As you increasingly become the caregiver, it is good to repeatedly ask yourself several questions.
· How much should I do?
· How much can I say?
· Am I doing any good?
· What about my spouse and children?
In the three phases previously considered, there was always something you could do with the hope that things would get better. As your roles reverse, more and more you realize that things are not going to get better. They only get worse. One thing to remember is that no matter how you answer the questions above as things get worse, you are likely to feel guilty, even though you are not guilty of anything. If you are in your passport country caring for your parent, you are likely to feel guilty. If you are overseas, you are as likely to feel guilty. Probably the most important thing you can do during this phase is to help your parent answer such questions as these:
· What good am I?
· How can my life have any meaning?
As you do this, remember that our society has no good answer to these questions. These questions have answers only in a thoroughly Christian world-view. Our modern problem-solving approach to life comes up short, but meaning is found in God and his love for us as persons he made in his image.
Questions:
- For those of you who can place your parents into any of these categories, what have been the most difficult challenges for you?
- What has made you the most sad or the most relieved in the process?
- What are some of the ways you’ve dealt with these issues?
